Bob Thomas Writes

(This story is almost completely true, except for the parts that aren’t.)

Back in 1964 Tequila was a liquor that Mexicans drank. Few, if any, Americans had ever heard of it, and fewer still drank it. After all, it had a worm in it!

Also in 1964 I was in U.S. Air Force learning to defend my country from the Viet Cong and three fanatical Japanese hold-outs from WW-II. I was, after a few short months of tech school, ready to use a teletype machine like a battering ram if necessary to hold off the enemy! I had carefully surveyed my tool box for anything that would work as a weapon in the event I had to defend my country, and decided that the assorted tools, and especially the stainless steel pocket knife, would stand me well in the face of danger. I also had a box of spare parts if it came down to it, and I knew that once the enemy saw me wielding a ‘pull bar bail plunger roller’ from a teletype machine,  they would collapse in mortal fear of me.

After my 6 months of training I, and several of my fellow trained teletype repairmen/killers, received orders to various tropical resorts located around world. But, before splitting up we decided that a trip to Mexico to celebrate the realization of our dreams to be teletype machine repairmen was warranted. We decided that we would spend a day and night in Tijuana. Since we were in San Antonio at the time, had never been across the border, didn’t speak Mexican, didn’t bother to pick up a road map, and had started drinking beer several hours before, we just naturally assumed Tijuana was “South” and close by! So, we all piled into someone’s 1964 GTO and headed South.

I had slept most of the way and I awakened to the shouts of my friends all saying the same thing. .TEE-A-WANNA? ELTEE-A-WANNA? ES TEE-A-WANNA? And so forth. They were using the age old tradition of speaking loud if you don’t understand the language, and were shouting at a kid about 5 years old. He kept saying “see” and pointing ‘that way’, as if to say “That way”! So we took off ‘that way’ to find Tijuana. About 10 minutes later we came to a small town that looked like we thought Tijuana should look. Lots of bars, lights, music, scary looking men, and scarier looking women . . . had to be the place!

In the first bar we entered we were welcomed with open arms by the owner. He was about four feet tall, and four feet wide, wearing a sombrero and crossed cartridge-belts on his chest. He had a moustache that draped over his shoulders, and his arms closed around each of us and ‘frisked’ us for weapons! He greeted us with a big smile of alternating gold & silver teeth and invited us to ‘seet, seet’! So, in this den of Mexican dwarves, we ‘seeted’ down at a table and ordered drinks. The bar was a feeble attempt to be an American bar. Mirrored glass balls hung from the ceiling spraying bullets of light around the room, the music was a million decibels, and lots of people were dancing like marionettes on slack strings!

We all ordered beer, but we received glasses and a bottle of tequila with a worm in the bottle! We stared at each other for a second, and then someone said, “I will if you will”. The challenge of warriors the world over. A challenge that has caused men to race across battlefields to capture a stash of French wine. Or made a man dying of hunger and thirst, go into battle with canteens filled with German beer, and a back pack full or dirty French postcards instead of his food rations!

“I will if you will” has also been known to cause men to win medals for bravery, or at least a Purple Heart for injuries received while standing in the wrong place…

So, in the face of such a challenge, I volunteered to be the first to try Tequila. I poured myself an inch or two in the bottom or a dirty glass and, without hesitation; ‘tossed it back’ like my Dad did with his Four Roses.

 Hoo-ha! For an instant I thought that I had somehow held the glass too close to the candle and accidentally ignited the liquor! I was pretty sure I had somehow started a hazardous chemicals fire in my mouth! I was able to swallow, pretty much involuntarily, and felt the flames progress through my digestive system like molten lava! The only thing I knew about fire suppression was “stop, drop & roll”. . .  I didn’t think it would help so I gagged, choked, tears flowed, my nose opened up like flood gates, and I made noises like . . .  ? Well like a man who had just consumed liquid fire! I couldn’t decide if I should curse or pray, so I did both.  After a few seconds my breath returned and I was able to speak in a raspy voice. “MAN! That’s good stuff”! I assured my friends. “You got to try some”! They did. Then they all lied just like I did. We drank more. And more. I had heard that there were different kinds of Tequila. Some so strong that you could get cirrhosis by reading the label! I’m not sure what went on after that. I think something went wrong with the air conditioning and it began to emit fuzzy air.

Sometime after the donkey wrestling contest, (some memories can’t be suppressed!)  We decided it was time to return toSan Antonio. We gathered ourselves into a ball of stumbling humanity and went to find the car. It was sitting right where we left it. Without the custom leather seats, door panels, upholstered dash, carpets or headliner! After some intense discussion, the majority of us decided that we were pretty sure it had seats when we drove it down to Mexico, so someone must have stolen them! We called the Police and they insisted that ‘no one’ in their town would have done something as foolish as steal our seats! They would have taken the whole car!

We scrounged up some coke crates, a straight back chair for the driver, and bought some genuine, made in Japan, Mexican rugs to pad the floors with, and headed forTexas.  Again, we slept most of the way back except for gas stops, pee breaks and occasional stops to throw up and buy bags of White Castle hamburgers (Ten for $1.00) and quart cups of ice water.

On Monday morning we bragged to our friends about the ‘wild time’ we had inTijuana. . .  only to be told that we had not been to T.J.! It was several hundred miles West of us and we had gone South! We didn’t know where we had been for most of two days, but we were convinced that we had a hell of a time, where ever we were! Also, the worm doesn’t taste that bad going down! Well, the first three or four did, but after that they’re O.K.!

But, when the worm turns, your whole life flashes before your eyes!

Trust me!