Bob Thomas Writes

For 9 years I was Director of an annual Arts & Crafts Festival. While this is not a true story, it is an example of the ‘type’ of letters I often received.

Wadley’s Septic Tank Service

“Every Tank Hand Scrubbed from the Inside Out”

“Our Product is Entirely American Made!”

“If you got the poop, we got the scoop”!

Dear Sir,

Please sent me a  napplication for yor arts n’ craft  carnival.

I have done lots of carnivals, festivuls, shows and such over the years, and I am very popular with the people what comes to them. Does this carnival have any tractor pulls or farm equipment displays? I always do good if they do.

My craft is “frog dressing”. I catch big bull frogs in the swamps and make clothes for them.

I have frogs that look like President Clinton, President Carter, President Eisenhower and Teddy Roseafelt! I had one what looked like Elvis, but he got stepped on. I just caught a real skinny one that looks jist like Alley MacBeal…that T.V. ackress!

 I even have “stripper” frogs that takes  they clothes off to music! One is real good at wiggling her butt while she does it. It’s a real turn on for some folks. (but, I think they’s kinda sick in the head!)

I have a frog, named Lead Belly, that weighs 7 and a half pounds! He can jump, but I don’t let him cause I’m afraid he will explode on impact! I feed him a pound of red wiggler worms everyday along with a can of cat food. I used to have a 8 pounder, but he jumped off the table one day and exploded  like an over ripe tomato! It messed up some kids minds real bad. Plus, they throwed up all over my display! Actually, that’s when Elvis got stepped on. . . in the riot and stampeed that followed.

If I can, I’d like to have a space with lots of grass around it…for grazing my frogs. Plus, don’t put me near the water! These frogs ain’t particularly loyal to me and they will make a break for freedom if they get the chance! Every once n’ awhile, I put them in a big glass jar and takes them fishing with me. I use the ugly ones for bait!  I figure if they see what a big mouth bass does to a frog, they’ll think twice about escaping!

Anyway, I can work y’all into my schedule in June, so go ahead and send me a napplication. I figure y’all won’t want to charge me nothing since I’m considered entertainment! I usually get a standing novation when my frogs perform.(Unless, of course, one of them explodes!)

Just send the napplication to my house. . . everybody knows where I live.

(They always fussin’ about the smell, so I guess they knows!)

Wadly P. Thurgood

Frog Wrangler.