Bob Thomas Writes

Your will spend your lives trying to achieve perfection. . . Then, one day, you will realize that we are defective, imperfect beings and from that point on, life will be so simple. 

In a nutshell. . . , we spend our lives trying to “get it right” all the time. Then. . . , we discover that it can’t be “gotten right” all the time. Then. . . , we try to “get it right” most of the time. Then. . . , we realize that to “get it right” most of the time, we have to “get it wrong” some of the time!
Getting it wrong really gives you a case of the ‘grumps’! . . . And can result in anything from a bloody nose to a prison term! But that makes “getting it right” occasionally, really sweet!

Take my advice, if you haven’t emerged into the light of day as of yet, tie a knot in your umbilical cord, dig your toes in and keep right on hiding in that warm, dark place! Nine months is simply not enough time to work up the courage necessary to enter the world! I think pregnancy should last at least 120 months! That way you could pop out and head right to the fifth grade! That’s where I learned most of the important stuff I know anyway! Primarily about fire crackers, the opposite sex, anatomy, nail guns, gun powder and why movie stars don’t have to go to the bathroom. I also learned that being shot in the back of the head with a paper clip fired from a rubber band, feels just like someone stabbed you with an ice pick! And teachers don’t care what happened! Screaming like a steam whistle, falling to the floor and thrashing about like a gutted cat fish has not been accepted as an appropriate reaction for anything in the fifth grade!

It’s scary on the ‘outside’! Right from the start some masked stranger slaps you on the butt and it’s all down hill after that! You”re ‘force fed’ something you have to ‘suck’ out of another human being! You’re stripped naked on an hourly basis and have your ‘private parts’ thoroughly inspected, washed, powdered and ‘re-wrapped’ in a giant paper and plastic bag-like thing, and then some idiot holds you up in the air (about 10 times you height) and makes animal-like noises at you! They then put you in a padded cage and turn out the lights! All while telling you to have “sweet dreams”! SURE THING! Once your adrenaline returns to normal levels you have to concentrate so hard on ‘not’ filling up the bag around your waist you couldn’t sleep if you were whacked on prime narcotics!

For the first three months someone will come in and ‘poke’ you every half hour to see if you’re sleeping . . .fake it! Snore like an asthmatic Moose if you can and they’ll leave you alone for a few hours! Eventually they will stop treating you like the “Whack-a-Mole” game at the county fair and you’ll be able to sleep all night long.
Oh, about ‘getting it right’. . . for the first year or year and a half, you’ll do everything ‘right’! Every little burp, giggle, fart, wiggle and snort will result in explosions of laughter, big smiles and shouts of “That’s my boy/girl”! But, and I hate to be the one to tell you this, from the age of two until the age of a ‘hundred and something’, you will not. . . I repeat, WILL NOT get hardly anything ‘right’! Everything you do from that point on will result in responses the will vary from “Why’d you do that”? to ” Wait till your Father gets home”! To “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE… NOW”!

So, there you have it. Achieving perfection is your impossible goal. But, since you will be a typical human being, you will try. And in 60 years or so, you’ll find yourself trying to warn some other unsuspecting new comer of the pit falls, trials and tribulations and sheer frustration involved in their futile efforts to survive. And they will think the same thing you’re thinking right now. . .
How do I lock this door!