Bob Thomas Writes

Johnny never wanted to go duck hunting, but his Dad said that he had too. He was, after all, 16 years old now, and everybody knew that all 16 year olds in Alabama were hunters. As they tramped through the woods, Johnny grew more and more apprehensive about the whole thing. He didn’t have any problems with the ducks. They had never done anything to him that made him mad, or even mildly irritated, so he saw no reason to kill them! But, he was told that it was the “manly” thing to do on a brisk fall morning. Afterwards, they could go down to the hardware store and brag about their success . . . or lie about their lack of success!

As Johnny and his Dad sat in the duck blind, Johnny felt the cold creeping into his boots, butt and fingers. He thought again, about how stupid this whole thing was, why did people have to kill ducks? At that moment he heard the distant sounds of a flight of mallards quacking their way south. His Dad shucked a round into his shotgun, and told Johnny to do the same, as he peeked out of the blind to see where the ducks were headed. Suddenly his Dad was screaming, “Look Out, here they come”! . . . And he dove into the floor of the blind! Johnny was huddled in the corner of the blind, eyes wide with surprise, as the first duck crashed through the flimsy roof of the blind! It must have weighed fifty pounds because it destroyed the blind and almost broke Johnnies’ neck! The next duck tore through the side wall of the blind and knocked Johnny to the ground with such force that he thought he had been hit by a truck!

The next few minutes were a madhouse of feathers, quacking ducks, screaming hunters and random shotgun blasts! Johnny suddenly felt his ear being pulled so hard that he thought it was going to be torn off! Then he realized that a Mallard had bitten down on his ear and was pulling with all of its might . . . trying to tear it off! Johnny got his shotgun twisted around against the ducks’ chest and fired a shot! The duck exploded in a mass of feathers and duck guts! It was quickly replaced by a female Mallard. She was quacking so loudly, and with such fervor that Johnny realized he had just killed her lover! She pecked at his eyes, nose and face so hard that he felt like someone was punching him with a fist! He managed to get his fingers around her throat and choke her into submission . . . as she laid on the dirt floor his Dad shot her with two blast of double ought buckshot! Johnny was unnerved. . .  He thought they had loaded up with bird shot! Johnny looked out through the holes in the roof of the blind and saw three more ducks beginning a run on the blind. His mind flashed back to the fighter planes he had seen in the old war movies, and he realized the ducks were beginning a strafing attack! He and his Dad lay in the bottom of the blind, covered with duck guts and feathers as the strafing run began.

Hours later, as they sat around the pot bellied stove at the hardware store, Johnny and his Dad told their tale of Johnnie’s first hunting trip. They told of the sure aim he had taken . . . they told how he had shot five mallards on his first time out. They explained how his Dad had only fired one or two shots and let Johnny have his day. But, they never, never told anyone about being buried in duck crap by a flight of vicious Mallards! 

Johnny loves to go duck hunting now. He even killed the three white ducks down at the cemetery pond one night.  And two swans.   Johnny hates Ducks now.

As he drifted off to sleep the night after the duck hunt, his Dad stuck his head in Johnny’s door and said, “Next week we’ll go bear hunting”!

Johnny pee’d in the bed that night.

The end. – none too soon!