Bob Thomas Writes

I recently discovered the origins of the Spanish Dance “The Tarantella”. Or, at least, I think I did.

 While getting dressed this morning, I happened to glimpse, down in the right pant leg, a spider. Not just any spider, but the world’s largest Black Widow Spider! I quickly removed my leg from the pants and moved to a position that would enable me to see, for sure, if it was a Black Widow.

 From up on top of the dresser it was difficult to see anything in my pants hanging from the lamp on the other side of the room, so I moved over to the head board of the bed and crept along it until I was only 12 or 15 feet away from the trousers. Again, no luck. I, gingerly leapt the 8 feet from the headboard to the hall way and picked up a spider searching tool . . . a broom.

I decided to risk a quick ‘lift and peak’.

 IT’S A SPIDER! A DAMN BIG SPIDER! THE ‘MOBY DICK’ OF SPIDERS!

I stood in the yard in my underwear contemplating my options. This spider was easily 3 or 4 inches across and weighed at least 2 pounds! I think I heard it growl at me, or maybe it belched.

I opened the door and slipped into the house. I stood quietly for a moment and listened for foot steps . . . surely; with eight legs it would make some noise walking . . . nothing. I eased down the hallway and climbed up on the washer-dryer for a better vantage point… no spider. I used the broom and reached into my closet and snagged another pair of pants, flung them to the floor and stomped all over them, (perfecting my moves in the  “Tarantella Dance” in the process!) kicked them into the back yard and flapped them like crazy for a minute or two. I turned them inside out and repeated the process. . . I held them up to the sunlight and looked for shadows . . . nothing.

This pair appeared to be ‘safe’.

I put them on and went to work.

 When I arrived home this evening, I opened the door and stood listening for a minute . . . no sounds of eight legged walking. . . I crept to the bedroom and the pants were still on the lamp. I took a drink of “Jack Daniels Spider Repellant”, steeled myself for the job at hand, flung the pants to the floor and did two minutes of the Tarantella . . . with some ‘World Class” steps, I don’t mind saying!

I jumped on the bed and watched to see if the pants were moving . . . nothing. I poked them with the broom . . . nothing. I stirred them around on the floor . . . nothing. Using two fingers, I lifted them by the belt loop and gave them a shake . . . nothing. I waited a reasonable period of time, about two hours, and decided the spider had left the building!

I picked up the pants and gave them a good shake.      THE SPIDER JUMPED AT ME! It came flying out of the pants leg with its blood red eyes flaming at me! I screamed like a little girl and started slapping  myself in the  face  in an effort to fiend it off, but it was  leaping around my head and snapping at me  like the world’s quickest  bat! With its fangs dripping venom, it brushed my face and I blackened both my eyes with a two handed slap to my face!

 I killed it! It was flattened out in my hand like a feather!? . . . A Feather? It looked just like a . . . feather. A pillow feather. It was a damned feather from my pillow!

 I stood there huffing and blowing like the runner up in the Kentucky Derby. Sweat pouring down my face, nose running and eyes watering from slapping myself multiple times in the face.

 A feather!

I picked up the phone and called my Optometrist to make an appointment to get my eyes checked.

I gotta start wearing my glasses.