Bob Thomas Writes

People tell me I should write a column for a magazine.  Before I commit to supplying them with a collection of my patiently thought out words of wisdom, they are going to have to answer several mighty  important questions! First of all, how many words on a page? And, is it going to be a long narrow column or a wide fat one? And will it be everyday or just one day a week? Also, do I have to deliver it to the homes or do they  do that?

There’s a lot to writing a column that most  people don’t even think about! These are just a few of the  questions I need to know the answers to before I can begin to concentrate on a  weighty  subject worthy of my talents!

I guess I could write about  special  events…but, they have other people for that. Rookies in the writing game, I guess! Or, I suppose I  could cover  the ‘inside’ story on  the National Endowment for the Arts and the politician’s opinions, except I don’t know any politicians.  

I want to know politicians. I would  like to ask  some of them how I should go about getting some of that ‘free’ government  money that everybody is always  talking  about.  I’m pretty sure that there is a fund of  some kind, just full of money, that’s earmarked  to keep writers like me quiet. So we don’t  spill the beans about shady deals and  stuff…or  report  on the political contributions of  a  hog farmer  to  a certain Senator or County Commissioner. Maybe I could look around here in town and find a juicy story about how somebody took a kickback to ‘overlook’ an illegal dog house constructed  in the Historic District!

Or expose some restaurant for cooking Seagulls and calling it Chicken!

I’m not sure yet just what I’ll write about, but you can bet I ain’t writing nothing until I find out how many words are on a page!

I think I like the long skinny columns best…don’t you? If they would let me use BIG TYPE I could pick up another several thousand readers in the bifocal crowd!

Hmmn. There sure is a lot to know about writing.