Bob Thomas Writes

(A friend of mine went through a six year divorce. I wrote this for him.)
Rules to Live by for the Recently Divorced Man.
1- If you sleep soundly, be sure to lock all of the car doors! Yes, you will live in your car for a long time! (Leave a window cracked for ventilation. Those midnight pickled eggs and beer farts are killers!)
2- Never try to cook and drive at the same time. (Sliced ham & Cheese wrapped in aluminum foil and tied to the exhaust pipe, makes a nice casserole. Cook for 15-20 miles.)
3- When bathing in the trunk of your car, always park with the back end towards a blank wall. (Line the trunk with plastic sheeting and fill with water for bathing. Change weekly)
4- Keep several license plates, and change them daily. ( To fool the repo man.)
5- Clothes can be pressed by placing them between plywood and driving over them a few times. (Sheets of plywood kept on the roof, can be turned sideways on the weekends to make a patio canopy)
6- Always step out of the car to fart when possible. (It’s a confined place! Also, never go to the bathroom near your car! It’s preferred to park near a public bathroom)
7- When you start dating, remove underwear from the antenna and dry it under the hood on the manifold.(Make sure it’s been WASHED before placing on manifold! Also, when you do laundry at the Laundromat, you can simply wear your laundry bag until your pants are done. Of course, you’ll have to ‘hop’ everywhere!)
8-If you insert a paper clip into a piece of bread, you can toast it with the cigarette lighter.
(You have to toast it in circles! Allow 30 minutes cooking time. Best if you toast & bite, toast & bite, etc.)
9-Cheese can also be melted by rolling it up and sticking it into the lighter hole. (Keep a soda straw handy for sucking it out of the lighter hole)
10-If you keep dip in the ash tray, remember to run the a/c. (Shrimp dip is not recommended)
11- Always wear a Tee-shirt and underwear when driving. (As compared to wearing nothing!)
12-Every 10 to 12 days, pour a bottle of aftershave on the floor to “air out” the vehicle. If you can find it, “English Leather” over-powers all olfactory functions.(For drastic measures, you can leave the windows open in the car wash)
13- When you visit with friends, tell them you “Just moved out of your apartment” and will be moving into the other one “tomorrow”. (Don’t accept any gifts of furniture until you ‘really’ do have an apartment)
14- When going on job interviews (You will be fired shortly!) Always park on the far side of the lot. (Tell any prospective employers that the car is borrowed!)
15- If you have to, tell everyone that you live in a “Motor home”! (Because . . .you do!)
16. Always have a double shot of Jack Daniels before you go to sleep to drown out traffic noise. (If another divorcee’ knocks on your window and says, “Hey Buddy, how about sharing”? Ignore him. He’ll just bore you death with stories about the bitch he was married to!)
17. When you start dating again never mention your ex-wife during sex. (Especially, don’t compare! At least not out loud!)
18. “Jeezuzz Christ! Where’d you learn that!”. . . is not considered a compliment by most women.
19. Every woman knows that, “I swear, it never happened before.” . . . is a lie.
20. The “Sneezing Butterfly” is not a sexual position and no woman knows how to do it. Regardless of what you heard around the water fountain at work.
21. Single, never married, women have long hair… don’t rest your elbows on their hair or you’ll hear. . . “YOU’REONMYHAIRYOU’REONMYHAIR!” in a loud screeching voice. . . usually when you don’t have the strength to move.
22. Married women have short hair. They don’t care if you don’t like it.
23. Divorced women are undecided. Most have short hair on the way to being long. They don’t like long hair, but they know that you do and they consider it ‘bait’. They also consider short hair a ‘repellant’.
24. Don’t try to “steer” them in a particular direction by pulling their hair the way you want them to go!
25. Except for your ex-wife, most women will not make love to you after you’ve just finished mowing the grass.
26. Like your ex-wife, women who will make love to you after you’ve just mowed the grass, will spend the whole time saying, “God You Stink”! Plus they will act like they’re not enjoying themselves. (But, we suspect they are.)
27. Taking a shower by yourself does not ‘turn on’ a woman watching TV in the next room. Regardless of how well you ‘washed’ certain parts of your body and can hang the towel on it! And, no it didn’t turn on your ex-wife!
28. Single women don’t consider being ‘goosed’ as foreplay.
29. Single women don’t think having their breast squeezed while you say “Honk Honk” is foreplay.
30. Don’t attempt the previous two things unless you want to have some woman hold your own testicles up in front of your face!
31. Most women can tell if you’ve put hair spray on your chest hair and combed it.
32. Scratching your crotch and saying “how ’bout it” will not get you laid.
33. Farting. . . even accomplished musical farting accompanied by whistling. . . is not funny to most women. (No one knows why!)
34. Single women expect you to actually talk to them during a meal, and after sex.
35. Foreplay cannot be accomplished while driving a car 60 MPH in traffic. It makes no difference that you have a ‘free’ hand.